Salt on a melon
If you met John Monad, you would...
1.Take him in, and abuse his magic credit card.
2.Start believing in God.
3.Bone him.
4.Knife him a couple of times and leave him for dead.
Vote.
That was a poll from an article about JFC.
"Shape shifters."
What a great character. Thanks for the thread.
Quote from: Sven2 on June 28, 2010, 08:58:09 PM
If you met John Monad, you would...
1.Take him in, and abuse his magic credit card.
2.Start believing in God.
3.Bone him.
4.Knife him a couple of times and leave him for dead.
5. All of the above
No, you wouldn't! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
If you met John Monad, you would...
1.Take him in, and abuse his magic credit card.
Eccles, magic credit card in hand, calmly speaks on the phone: "Just deliver it to the Snug Harbor Motel and it'll get to me. Yes, of course I'll treat it in a humane fashion. It'll be the most pampered seal that ever lived. Now, and this is important, are you absolutely positive it'll bark my name?"
2.Start believing in God.
No, but I would build him a shrine.
3.Bone him.
First let me think whether I have any metal parts which conduct heat. It matters.
4.Knife him a couple of times and leave him for dead.
The charges: Kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon, larceny by force, attempted murder, littering.
Quote from: Eccles on June 30, 2010, 09:24:04 AM
If you met John Monad, you would...
4.Knife him a couple of times and leave him for dead.
The charges: Kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon, larceny by force, attempted murder, littering.
??? :D
Comes to mind the sleazy lawyer in "Breaking Bad", (Saul Goodman, I think is his name), who is presently meeting Vato and his cohort in his office:
"We would obviously move to dismiss all charges, let's say..... the alleged victim went into the bus voluntarily, to discuss.... hmm... the details of local beer production..... the so called deadly weapon is a tool of the trade for the defendants who are currently and lawfully employed -if you need the papers it's doable, for the additional fee!.... so.... as seasonal workers for ..... the Monsanto corporation...... as to the lesser charge of littering, can prosecution present evidence ? Aha! No body, no evidence!
Your job, my dears is to corral as a friendly witness a certain wacko ex-cop Bill Jacks. He was heard stating that the vic "can't get hurt, doesn't get hurt". Be nice to him, no more knife wounds! The rest is..... after I receive my fee. Now, if you excuse me, I have to attend to other clients".
Or something like that. I think unless John himself appears in court the case is hard to prosecute.
Thank you, Eccles, you made an invaluable contribution to John's curriculum vitae. :)
Barcode clock, accurate, watch! Eastern time for me, is that different for other time zones I don't know.
More of a novelty, a curiosity than humor, of course.
http://www.barcodeart.com/artwork/clocks/barcode/index.html (http://www.barcodeart.com/artwork/clocks/barcode/index.html)
Oh, the horror!
(http://www.eharborinc.com/blog/images/2009/04/google_postcard.jpg)
Breaking News, you can't use. Chrysler motor company is coming out with a new car that runs on water , unfortunately you need to pump the water from the gulf of Mexico ;).....
Yep, that's the proof!
"Vietnam's Version of an "Innocence Project": "Traditional medicine" practitioner Pham Thi Hong is credited with freeing three men who had been convicted of a rape in 2000 and were serving 16-year prison sentences. According to Hong, men with certain small spots on their ears are virgins, and since the men still have their spots, they could not have committed rape. (Although Vietnam's President Nguyen Minh Triet was reportedly impressed with Hong's work and thus ordered the case re-opened, discovery of additional errors by police and prosecutors contributed to the recent decision to release the men.)"
From "What men don't know about women". (Yes, we sometimes read "Cosmopolitan" and "Esquire" too!)
Alissa Milano, actress: "Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy."
Who the hell is Brian Dennehy though?
Brian Dennehy is a character actor who has been working since 1977. He's a good actor and when you see him you should recognize him...
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001133/ (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001133/)
BRIAN DENNEHY: Stars are Like 4 Year-Olds (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJZvVgIaR_k#)
Sure I know the man, is he 2000000 pounds?
(http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/funny-dog-pictures-smaller-step.jpg?w=497&h=700)
As I got hit on the head today by a can of diced tomatoes fallen from the top shelf.... I relate.
OK Go - White Knuckles - Official Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHlJODYBLKs#ws)
DAAAAAGS!!!
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland, they see a sign Disneyland LEFT, they started crying and turned around to leave! :'(
:DBlonde goes into PC World looking for curtains, assistant says: 'You don't need curtains for a PC'. Blonde replies: 'Hello, but mine has windows!!' :'(
:D Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 Scouse Islamic Terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin, Bin Thievin, but there was no sign of Bin Workin!!
If you have any of these feeelings, well....... C.H.E.E.R.S
Tequila (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnt79eSSEyg&feature=related#)
My favorite is Thinking ex-lover's want to hear from you at 4:00 A.M. in the morning....LOL
Yeah, there're few jems, ;D thanks, Laurel, for the much needed laughter!
A friend sent me a story, with some pictures.
(http://pinstripebindi.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/baby-porcupine.jpg)
Fable of the Porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died
because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the
situation, decided to group together. This way,
they covered and protected themselves; but, the
quills of each one wounded their closest companions
even though they gave off heat to each other.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one
from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of
their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.
This way they learned to live with the little wounds
that were caused by the close relationship with
their companion, but the most important
part of it, was the heat that came from the
others. This way they were able to survive.
Therefore:
The best relationship is not the one that brings
together perfect people, but the best is
when each individual learns to live with
the imperfections of others and can admire
the other person's good qualities.
The story, as I've discovered, exists on the internet WITHOUT the ending below.
It's up to you which way you like it.
The moral of the story:
LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.
In case anyone gets a snuggie for Christmas.... How to :-**** :D
http://thesnuggiesutra.com (http://thesnuggiesutra.com)
So, how was your Christmas office party?
Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Too funny
You Bet Your Life - Definitely From the South (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RO1kmfLmGRA#ws)
:)a joint offering............
Family Feud: Name something that gets passed around: A Joint... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScyxtU4iASM#ws)
Everyone heard about scams, it includes not only "winning lottery" run from Zimbabwe or forced driveway paving done by threatening old ladies.
Surprise, surprise - in our world starved for fame and recognition (deserved or not!) it very well can be poetry or writing contests. Here comes National library of poetry, (Poetry.com), one of such scams. It's been making money for many years, now went out of business but had left multiple descendants.
Couple of poems written to expose it for what it was.
Under the pen name Stephen Abutlol, Mr. Taub submitted "Nicky Nacky Noo" to poetry.com's former contest to see what would happen.
Nicky Nacky Noo
by Stephen Abutlol
Tum tum tum de tum
This is apoem I sings a lot
to make me very vary hapy.
I fink it will look good on a poster two.
and a cofey mug to shows my frineds
at work so they no i am an internashunal
poet who mite even winz a prise!
Then i wuld be vary famus
and hav lotz of muney
wich wuld be vary funny
coz some of them sayd I was
eliterite wich sucks
(I hopes I can say sucks, if not
please put a defferent word instead.)
and also I just sore the poem
has to be 20 lines long so
I am counting the lynes again.
This is line nienteen
and this in number twenty. Thanx. The End
Poetry.com found the artistic vision of "Nicky Nacky Noo" well suited to their anthology, A Palette of Life...
Under the pen name Bert, which itself is a pen name of Wadda ass Iyam, Mr. Taub submitted "Yew Gotta Larf" to poetry.com's former contest to see what would happen.
Yew Gotta Larf
by Bert
Yew gotta larf at any moreon
who could write, "your poem was selected
for publication, and as a contest semi-finalist, on the basis of your unique talent
and artistic vision."
when we all know this is about as artistic
as vomitting on the neigbour's porch.
Burp... huey... excuse me while I be artistic on your cat.. so much for
the vision.. I never saw your cat.
Now let's get down to the real truth..
You hope I am fooled into parting with
my cash to see this in your anthology.
Wot if NO-ONE bought your books, mugs
plaques, keyrings? (have you thought of musical toilet-roll holders?)
I look forward to receiving your standard letter telling me how artistic this drivel is. If nothing else, I get a free
envelope
which I can recycle.
Poetry.com found Bert's unique perspective perfect for its new anthology, Seasons of Happiness...
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYdDRTRaWr8&feature=related#)
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tV3SWjrt2rE&feature=relmfu#)
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c#ws)
:D ;D ;) :P
I love this so much I stole it! :D :D :D :D :D
LOL! hi skor how ya doing sistah?? that's the sign of a good joke when it gets stolen right! keep laughing its good medicine!
Before I lose the link, here they are, the mad and the funny... DOGS:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jpmoore/14-amazing-photos-of-dogs-shaking-off-water (http://www.buzzfeed.com/jpmoore/14-amazing-photos-of-dogs-shaking-off-water)
Why I'd never order sushi!
Dancing squid bowl dish in Hakodate (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxQmOR_QLfQ#ws)
Siri, anyone?
Apple Scotland - iPhone commercial for Siri (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGxKhUuZ0Rc&feature=share#ws)
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/60050_570134573011974_247217700_n.jpg)
Love this! Thanks!
Couldn't resist!
Deadwood Abbey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L66Sytzm008&feature=youtube_gdata_player#)