[laurel]

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland, they see a sign Disneyland LEFT, they started crying and turned around to leave! :'(

[laurel]

 :DBlonde goes into PC World looking for curtains, assistant says: 'You don't need curtains for a PC'. Blonde replies: 'Hello, but mine has windows!!' :'(

[laurel]

 :D Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 Scouse Islamic Terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin, Bin Thievin, but there was no sign of Bin Workin!!

[laurel]

If you have any of these feeelings, well....... C.H.E.E.R.S

Tequila

My favorite is Thinking ex-lover's want to hear from you at 4:00 A.M. in the morning....LOL

[Sven2]

Yeah, there're few jems,  ;D thanks, Laurel, for the much needed laughter!

[Sven2]

A friend sent me a story, with some pictures.


Fable of the  Porcupine

  It was the coldest winter  ever. Many animals died
  because of the cold. The  porcupines, realizing the
  situation, decided to  group together. This way,
  they covered and  protected themselves; but, the
  quills of each one  wounded their closest companions
  even though they gave off  heat to each other.

After awhile, they decided to distance  themselves one
from the other and they began to die, alone and  frozen.
  So they had to make a  choice: either accept the quills of
  their companions or  disappear from the Earth.
  Wisely, they decided to  go back to being together.
  This way they learned to  live with the little wounds
  that were caused by the  close relationship with
  their companion, but the  most important
  part of it, was the heat  that came from the
  others. This way they  were able to survive.
Therefore: 
  The best relationship is  not the one that brings
together perfect people, but the best  is
  when each individual  learns to live with
  the imperfections of  others and can admire
  the other person's good  qualities.

The story, as I've discovered, exists on the internet WITHOUT the ending below.
It's up to you which way you like it.
  The moral of the  story:
  LEARN TO LOVE THE  PRICKS  IN YOUR LIFE.

[laurel]

In case anyone gets a snuggie for Christmas.... How to  :-**** :D

http://thesnuggiesutra.com

[Sven2]

So, how was your Christmas office party?

           Subject: The Office Party
           FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
           TO: Everyone
           RE: Christmas Party
           DATE: December 1

           I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

       
          FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
           DATE: December 2
           RE: Christmas Party

           In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

           Happy now?

           FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
           DATE: December 3
           RE: Holiday Party

           Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
           
           FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
           DATE: December 7
           RE: Holiday Party

           What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

           Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
           
            FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
            DATE: December 8
            RE: Holiday Party

           So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
           
            FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
            Date: December 9
            RE: Holiday Party

           People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
           
           FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
           DATE: December 10
           RE: Holiday Party

           Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
           
           FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
           DATE: December 14
           RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

           I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.

           In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

           We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

[cassie]

Too funny
You Bet Your Life - Definitely From the South

[cassie]

 :)a joint offering............
Family Feud: Name something that gets passed around: A Joint...

[Sven2]

Everyone heard about scams, it includes not only "winning lottery" run from Zimbabwe or forced driveway paving done by threatening old ladies.
Surprise, surprise - in our world starved for fame and recognition (deserved or not!) it very well can be poetry or writing contests. Here comes National library of poetry, (Poetry.com), one of such scams. It's been making money for many years, now went out of business but had left multiple descendants. 

Couple of poems written to expose it for what it was.

Under the pen name Stephen Abutlol, Mr. Taub submitted "Nicky Nacky Noo" to poetry.com's former contest to see what would happen.

Nicky Nacky Noo
by Stephen Abutlol

Tum tum tum de tum
This is apoem I sings a lot
to make me very vary hapy.
I fink it will look good on a poster two.
and a cofey mug to shows my frineds
at work so they no i am an internashunal
poet who mite even winz a prise!
Then i wuld be vary famus
and hav lotz of muney
wich wuld be vary funny
coz some of them sayd I was
eliterite wich sucks
(I hopes I can say sucks, if not
please put a defferent word instead.)
and also I just sore the poem
has to be 20 lines long so
I am counting the lynes again.
This is line nienteen
and this in number twenty. Thanx. The End

Poetry.com found the artistic vision of "Nicky Nacky Noo" well suited to their anthology, A Palette of Life...

Under the pen name Bert, which itself is a pen name of Wadda ass Iyam, Mr. Taub submitted "Yew Gotta Larf" to poetry.com's former contest to see what would happen.

    Yew Gotta Larf
    by Bert

    Yew gotta larf at any moreon
    who could write, "your poem was selected
    for publication, and as a contest semi-finalist, on the basis of your unique talent
    and artistic vision."
    when we all know this is about as artistic
    as vomitting on the neigbour's porch.
    Burp... huey... excuse me while I be artistic on your cat.. so much for
    the vision.. I never saw your cat.
    Now let's get down to the real truth..
    You hope I am fooled into parting with
    my cash to see this in your anthology.
    Wot if NO-ONE bought your books, mugs
    plaques, keyrings? (have you thought of musical toilet-roll holders?)
    I look forward to receiving your standard letter telling me how artistic this drivel is. If nothing else, I get a free
    envelope
    which I can recycle.


Poetry.com found Bert's unique perspective perfect for its new anthology, Seasons of Happiness...

[Sven2]

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

[Sven2]

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

[OceanFlower]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop...

:D  ;D   ;)  :P

[skor]

I love this so much I stole it! :D :D :D :D :D